Comedian Paul Tonkinson reveals the hilarious hurdles he faced while training for a marathon


Everyone who has ever tried to push themselves to the limit to complete a physical task will relate to Paul Tonkinson’s hilarious new memoir about his London Marathon training regime. 

In 26.2 Miles to Happiness  the comedian, now 50, recounts the highs and lows of the five months he spent preparing to run the event in April 2017 – from a celebrity detox with Michael McIntyre to a run-in with a five-year-old girl over her sweets.

Already a keen runner, Tonkinson put himself under extra pressure – including a booze-free diet and almost daily training runs – in the hope of completing the route in under three hours – far below the four-and-a-half-hour average for British men. 

In 26.2 Miles to Happiness comedian Paul Tonkinson, pictured, now 50, recounts the highs and lows of the five months he spent preparing to run the event in April 2017 - from a celebrity detox with Michael McIntyre to swearing at a five-year-old girl over her sweets

In 26.2 Miles to Happiness comedian Paul Tonkinson, pictured, now 50, recounts the highs and lows of the five months he spent preparing to run the event in April 2017 – from a celebrity detox with Michael McIntyre to swearing at a five-year-old girl over her sweets 

NO ALCOHOL

Tonkinson, who competed in his first marathon in 2004, chose to make his training regime more stringent than he had done previously.  

He first vowed not to have a drop of alcohol until having finished the marathon on 23 April. This, he writes, was a feat in itself, because he had an ‘affectionate relationship’ with the bottle.

‘As a working-class Northerner prone to moments of largesse, I have completely fallen for the faux sophistication of the wine connoisseur,’ he writes. 

Paul, then 35, looking positively exhausted during the 2004 London marathon.

Paul, then 35, looking positively exhausted during the 2004 London marathon.

Paul, then 35, looking positively exhausted during the 2004 London marathon. 

‘The staff at Oddbins greet me as a friend; in fact, they often run out to me. (my appearance at the shop invariably coincides with a bonus).’

He adds that, with age, his hangovers have gotten worse, throwing him into an existential den of despair that he calls a ‘day-long dance with the idea of death.’ 

But despite the best of intentions, Tonkinson fell off the alcohol-free wagon once or twice during training, admitting to a cheeky glass – or carafe – here and there.   

He writes: ‘What a laugh to surrender to booze, to sink into its velvety embrace!’  

CELEBRITY DETOX 

In February 2017, two months before the marathon, Tonkinson’s friend, comedian Michael McIntyre, invited him to a week-long celebrity detox retreat at the renowned Viva Mayr clinic in Austria. 

‘It’s very simple. We go to Austria, they don’t give us any food, we lose weight, we come home,’ McIntyre said at the time. 

Paul, who was already in better shape than at the start of the year, agreed to the trip and the two comedians headed to Austria.

Meals were minimal, mostly consisting of soup and small crackers. Paul recounts how he was allowed crackers – unlike other residents of the clinic – because of his regular weight and sporty build. 

Tonkinson stretches with children Bonnie and George while training for his first London Marathon in 2004. He set himself an extra challenge in 2017 - a sub-three hour finish time

Tonkinson stretches with children Bonnie and George while training for his first London Marathon in 2004. He set himself an extra challenge in 2017 - a sub-three hour finish time

Tonkinson stretches with children Bonnie and George while training for his first London Marathon in 2004. He set himself an extra challenge in 2017 – a sub-three hour finish time

Paul with his daughter Bonnie after finishing the 2004 London Marathon, his first ever. The father-of-three says in the book training for a marathon is very empowering

Paul with his daughter Bonnie after finishing the 2004 London Marathon, his first ever. The father-of-three says in the book training for a marathon is very empowering

Paul with his daughter Bonnie after finishing the 2004 London Marathon, his first ever. The father-of-three says in the book training for a marathon is very empowering 

The runner recalls shockingly funny aspects of the detox, including a woman named Lizzie who admitted to him she raided the clinic’s fridge at night, and his horror upon finding out a Welsh man named Scott had stayed at the clinic for three to four months already, voluntarily.

‘I looked at him, slightly disturbed as he relayed his love of the bouillon, the friendly staff, beautiful grounds,’ Paul writes.  

Paul’s dive into the detox came to a dark turn when he was denied crackers over dinner by a waiter.

However he ‘awoke reborn’ on the fourth day of the cleanse. ‘My vision was clearer, all desperation had been replaced by an inner calm,’ he writes.

In total, he lost 20lb in a week, while Michael McItynre lost 14lb. 

RUNNING THROUGH THE WALL 

Paul getting ready to start an unnamed run in the 1990s. He explains in 26.2 Miles that he was less lenient while prepping for the 2017 marathon than he had been for other races

Paul getting ready to start an unnamed run in the 1990s. He explains in 26.2 Miles that he was less lenient while prepping for the 2017 marathon than he had been for other races

Paul getting ready to start an unnamed run in the 1990s. He explains in 26.2 Miles that he was less lenient while prepping for the 2017 marathon than he had been for other races

Paul running the Hampstead 10K in the 1990s. An avid runner, Paul became dedicated to running marathon from 2004

Paul running the Hampstead 10K in the 1990s. An avid runner, Paul became dedicated to running marathon from 2004

Paul running the Hampstead 10K in the 1990s. An avid runner, Paul became dedicated to running marathon from 2004 

One of the biggest obstacles to Paul’s sub-three-hour goal was to beat ‘the wall,’ the point of the race where fatigue takes over, and extra effort is required to gt to the finish line.

Beating the wall, Paul writes, is ‘ridiculously hard and shockingly painful,’ ‘many are reduced to physically crawling on all fours as the finishing lime approaches.’  

The comedian reveals the hilarious ways in which the wall prevented him from achieving his goals during previous marathon. 

He writes that he failed to beat the wall during his first marathon aged 35. At 36, during his second attempt, he says he kept a good pace until Mile 20, but then hit the wall at full force, pain and tiredness enveloping his body suddenly.

Refusing to give up, Paul entered what he calls ‘a demented shuffle’ and was talking to himself to power through the pain. 

On another attempt, he recounts his rage when, at peak effort, he was past by an overweight man in jeans and t-shirt carrying a rucksack and talking on the phone saying he was ‘garrrsping for a f**.’ 

‘I was being overtaken by a smoker! Was nothing sacred,’ Paul writes. 

A SUGAR CRAVING GONE BAD 

Paul shares his story in his new memoir, 26.2 miles to happiness, pictured

Paul shares his story in his new memoir, 26.2 miles to happiness, pictured

Paul shares his story in his new memoir, 26.2 miles to happiness, pictured

However, Paul lowest – and perhaps funniest – moment came a few metres after the smoker whizzed by, when hunger struck. 

Paul describes how moody and desperate he was for some fuel, feeling tired, in pain and hungry. 

‘I grabbed carelessly at a small in the crowd holding out a jelly baby,’ he writes, adding he dropped the piece of candy almost immediately by accident. 

He describes the excruciating pain he felt when he describe to crouch to get the candy from the ground, the ‘frenzied pitch’ his emotions had reached and his obsession with getting his hands on the confectionery.

Frustrated with himself, his run and the world, Paul reveals he shouted the ‘c-word’ at the candy, before looking up and spotting a tiny pair of feet sporting red shoes right next to him.

‘I had just forcefully screamed the c-word in the direction of a five-year-old girl,’ he explains.

In the book, Paul still earnestly apologises for the moment, and thanks to dad of the young girl for not punching him in the face.

A PERSONAL VICTORY

Paul and Rob Deering before the London Marathon of 2017. Deering and Tonkinson host the Running Commentary Podcast together

Paul and Rob Deering before the London Marathon of 2017. Deering and Tonkinson host the Running Commentary Podcast together

Paul and Rob Deering before the London Marathon of 2017. Deering and Tonkinson host the Running Commentary Podcast together 

Despite the hilarious setbacks, Tonkinson insists the entire process was worth it. He eventually finished the 2017 London Marathon with a time of 2 hours 59 minutes and 16 seconds.  

He writes: ‘You are the agent of your own transformation. To see the change in your body, in your speed and stamina and know that you and only you have caused it is empowering.

‘The truth is, I have never felt more alive, more utterly myself. Every moment has purpose, every action fed a larger intention.’ 

26.2 Miles to Happiness: A Comedian’s Tale of Running, Red Wine and Redemption by Paul Tonkinson is published by Bloomsbury Sport, £14.99