What are the tell-tale signs in soapland that someone either is a thug or will turn into one? Take Corrie’s Gary, who has always been a closet thug but jumps in and out of said closet dependent upon which woman he’s trying to impress with his ‘I’ve changed’ speech.
We know when another bout of thuggery is imminent because he startsspeakingveryveryfastwithallthewordsjoinedup. A
nd he whispers. So, between the speed and the hushed tones, Gary’s fists are vital, as they are the most informative means of letting us know what’s going on.
Soapland’s most famous Hoarse Whisperer, EastEnders’ Phil, wears his thuggery as obviously as a clown’s mask, and his violent trait brought about disaster when his attack on Keanu caused the boat accident.
You can tell Shirley is a thug – she has bleached blonde hair and visible roots (a given in dramas).
Then there are wolves in sheep’s clothing, their thuggery a not-so-guilty secret, such as Emmerdale’s Arthur.
Alas, he’s gone the bullying way of Walford’s Denny and needs to watch out. If the Woolpack wins Pub Of The Year, I advise he buys a lifejacket.
CORONATION STREET: LOAN SHARK BITES AGAIN
Ali (pictured) collapses and is loaded into an ambulance, after Gary partners with Sharon to get revenge in Coronation Street
As Gary continues to act like a long-lost cousin of the Corleone family, he ropes in Sharon to help him get revenge on Ali.
But when Ali collapses and is loaded into an ambulance, has Sharon gone too far? This is what happens when you play Mafia games, Gary: next time, just buy a Cornetto and thank your lucky stars you haven’t found a horse’s head in your bed.
Ryan is furious with Maria for playing Gary off against Ali and there are many questions that need answering when Ali regains consciousness.
At least all this drama keeps Dr Gaddas busy.
Isn’t it time she had help? She’s running the whole medical circus – and you never see her in the Rovers trying to escape the stress.
As Tracy makes plans for number one, Ken and Claudia move into Stillwaters, but not before Ken has some touching moments in his old home, remembering the happy times he spent there (that’ll be a very brief scene, then).
Gemma also has to think about the future and realises she needs her mum’s help but is too proud to ask.
I’ll remind you again: Chesney has a mum! Phone her, Ches! Bring back Cilla!
EASTENDERS: FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Jay practises proposing to Lola with Lexi (pictured), after plucking up courage with the help of Billy in EastEnders
Ever since he arrived in Walford, Jay hasn’t so much looked as if he’s had the weight of the world on his shoulders, but the entire universe, to infinity and beyond.
Now, as he plans to propose to Lola, is his life about to change for the better? (Let’s be honest, the only way is up.) Thanks to Billy, he plucks up courage to pop the question.
Oh, dear. When Billy has your back, the osteopath isn’t usually far behind.
Practising for the big moment with Lexi, Jay prepares a romantic lunch for Lola, who is stunned by the proposal.
I’d be more stunned by the venue – their home.
That’s only one step up from Kaff’s caff. Will it be a yes or a no? It’s all inspiration for Stuart, who decides to propose to Rainie.
Another marriage doubtless made in hell.
It’s not a good week for Gray, who can’t bear to tell Whitney he’s been suspended (I think she’d be grateful).
He tells Chantelle he’s planning to represent her in order to get his job back. Mitch is convinced he’s having an affair, but on discovering the truth, he offers Gray money, which leaves him seething.
It doesn’t take much to make Gray seethe, as Chantelle discovers when he arrives home. It’s a shame he can’t bump into Corrie’s Geoff and the two vile men can walk off into the sunset together.
EMMERDALE: PARTY MOOD
Vanessa is furious with Charity for revealing her cancer diagnoses, as Tracy (pictured, with Charity) throws her a party in Emmerdale
Never let misery get in the way of a party. Despite Charity telling Tracy it’s the last thing Vanessa needs, Tracy is determined to bang on.
Charity reveals Vanessa’s cancer diagnosis, but everyone’s already screaming, ‘Surprise!’ Vanessa, storming off, is furious with Charity, who hangs back when Tracy gives chase.
Well, that’s the official line. Desperate to hit the vodka, I’d say; she is a Dingle, after all.
When things blow up between Charity and Tracy, Vanessa tries to build bridges. Good luck with that. She’s no Isambard Kingdom Brunel.