ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

Will I ever get close to my son?    

My husband and I have always been very supportive of our son being gay since he came out nearly ten years ago, age 21. Last year, after his long-term boyfriend cheated on him, he came back home to live with us. We did everything we could to make him feel welcome, but he is so lazy. He hasn’t even made so much as a cup of tea since he moved in and he behaves like a petulant teenager. He has since met a lovely young man. He stayed with us for a few weeks while he was between homes and it was almost like being a family – they ate meals and watched TV with us in the evenings. However, since lockdown, it has been just the three of us again and we have hardly seen our son. He spends most of the time in his room and barely talks to me. With huge help from us, he is buying his own flat and is planning to move in as soon as the purchase goes through. He has always said that his sister is favoured – she isn’t, it’s just that we look after her children when she is at work so we are usually at her house quite a bit (though, of course, not at the moment). I worry that when my son moves out, he will leave for good and I won’t see him much. If I stop trying, I fear I will lose what little relationship I have with him. I feel that he would be quite happy to live his life without us in it. We have always supported him and it hurts to think that no matter what I have done or not done, I cannot get close to him.    

Try not to worry. Believe me, when your son moves into his own flat and there is more distance between you, your relationship will almost certainly improve. He has been through huge emotional turmoil. Even though he has met someone new who is lovely, he will still be working through the loss of his long-term relationship and the humiliation of being cheated on. He probably also feels very fed up about having to live at home again. Often, adult children revert to childish ways when back with their parents – it will make him feel disempowered and frustrated. Be careful not to do too much for him because you feed into that and adult children can develop a sort of ‘learned helplessness’ and start to get lazy and entitled. It is very difficult when parents can’t feel as close to their children as they would wish, but sometimes children are just like that – some will be closer to you than others; some won’t want their parents as central in their lives. So make sure that you have your own interests and don’t always be available to do things for him. However, the new man in his life sounds like a good thing, and he obviously likes you and your husband, so this will be a positive way forward. Hopefully this relationship will last and it will make your son happier, and if you win his partner round, he will probably encourage your son to see more of you. It will be easier for everyone when your son is independent and you can visit him as an adult rather than a dependent child.   

Lockdown destroyed our happy relationship 

 About a year ago, I moved in with my partner of six months. At first I was so happy even though weekends could sometimes be difficult as his two children, aged eight and 11, stay frequently. I am 31. They have been with us throughout the time in lockdown (their mum is a nurse). This has not been easy at all and our relationship has completely fallen apart. It’s become quite clear that my boyfriend only wants the relationship on his terms and we have resorted to just shouting at each other all the time. I realise that the relationship is over, but I am finding it so hard being with him every day until I can find somewhere else to live. I also keep remembering how lovely he was at the beginning. How do I cope with the heartbreak?

It is very hard to get over someone when you are forced to be with them 24 hours a day. In your longer letter, you say that you are between jobs but will be starting a new one at the end of July. This will definitely help with the situation, both emotionally and financially. Meanwhile, talk to your partner. Explain to him that you both know the relationship is not going to work and ask if you can call a truce until you can move out. If there is no longer any pressure to be a couple, it will take the heat out of things. Then you can at least agree to be civil to each other, as you have to live together for now. Distraction is your way through this. Take advantage of the warmer weather and get out of the house as much as possible – maybe also see a friend at a safe distance. And throw yourself into fiction so that you can get lost in a different world for a while. Can you take it in turns each week to sleep on the sofa so that you don’t have to endure the agony of sleeping in the same bed?