ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

If you have a problem, email [email protected]. Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally

Should we tell our grandson the truth?      

I am worried about my 12-year-old grandson. He isn’t biologically related to my son, who met his mum when my grandson was just a couple of months old, but we have known and loved him since then. However, he hasn’t been told that my son is not his dad and I worry about the effect this could have on him the longer it goes on. My son wants him to know and I’m sure my daughter-in-law does too, but she doesn’t know how to handle the situation. About a year ago, she said that she would discuss it, but it didn’t happen. The same thing occurred earlier this year. As time goes on, I think she is finding it harder to tell him. When he was very young, she was happy for me to mention to my grandson that we didn’t know him as a newborn and that he lived with his mummy and other grandparents before then. It was fine having this conversation with a three-year-old and quite regularly ever since, but it hasn’t gone any further. I have always hoped that my grandson would question this information as he got older so the subject could be opened up. I do wonder if, at 12, he has some inkling. We chat openly about many things and he is a lovely lad. My daughter-in-law is a great person – we get on very well – but there is an elephant in the room. Other family and friends know the situation. My husband says I have done all I can and it’s up to my daughter-in-law to take the next step.   

Generally, it is best to stand back and let parents make their own decisions about their children. However, I do agree that your grandson needs to know the situation and the sooner the better. So please pluck up the courage to talk to your daughter-in-law and offer your support. She is probably scared that her son could be very angry or upset – and he could be, initially, as it will be a shock. However, your grandson sounds much loved by your family and so he would come to terms with it in time – and, as you say, he may already have an idea. His mum may be worried that he will have lots of questions about his biological father and may want to meet him. She may not want this man back in her life, as it doesn’t sound as if he is on the scene at all. It could have been just a brief fling and she no longer knows how to contact him, or this man could be unwilling to meet his son which would be very hurtful for your grandson. So talk to your daughter-in-law and ask her gently about all her fears. Suggest that she could also contact the charity Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) for advice on how to talk to her son and any problems that may arise. When they do tell your grandson, your son should say how much he loves him and that he has always considered him his own. Your son may want to officially adopt him to make him feel even more loved and secure. Family Lives can advise on how to do this, too.

 

 Should I apologise to my best friend?   

I have fallen out with my best friend. Through the years, I have supported her endlessly over disastrous relationships but when I had problems (such as when I had a miscarriage) she listened for a bit then quickly started talking about herself again. About a year ago she met the man of her dreams and things have come to a head between us over her wedding. Her fiancé is rich and she has planned a lavish event abroad next summer. She wants me, my husband and some other friends to stay at the hotel with her for a few days before the wedding. However, the hotel is expensive and there is no way that we can afford it. Plus we now have a one-year-old and I am hoping to be pregnant again by next summer, so travelling abroad will be out of the question. When I explained all of this to her, she went ballistic and told me that I was being selfish and unsupportive and that I’m no longer her friend. I am not sure what to do.

I think you already know that she is the one who is selfish, not you. Sadly, it sounds as if she has always been the taker in this friendship while you are the one who gives endlessly. You refer to her as your ‘best friend’ but I am not sure she really merits the title. You say in your longer letter that you have known her since school. I wonder if you have referred to her as this because she was a dominant type who told you that you were her ‘best friend’ since you were the only one kind enough to put up with her and lacked the self-confidence to walk away. Don’t be tempted to say sorry. Any apology should be on her side, but it might be time to move on from this destructive friendship. It is sad – yet you might find that you don’t miss her as much as you think you will.