Lily Allen has revealed she debated taking heroin when she ‘hit rock bottom’ during her 2014 supporting stint on Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz tour.
The Smile songstress, 35, spoke to DJ Fat Tony on his The Recovery podcast about her own sobriety journey, including her personal lowest point, as she touched on the tour and how she felt – turning to drink, drugs and prostitutes.
After her weight rose to 14st, the 5′ 2″ star began taking a drug similar to speed to shed pounds before the tour, however this send her on a downward spiral and left her debating taking heroin to help her ‘act out’.
She said: ‘I was supporting this girl who was much younger and more attractive than I felt. I was thinking: “I think I have got a drinking problem. And none of this acting out is working any more. Maybe I should try heroin.”‘
On tour: Lily Allen has revealed she debated taking heroin when she ‘hit rock bottom’ during her 2014 supporting stint on Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz tour (pictured on stage on the tour in Pittsburgh in August 2014)
Lily has often chronicled her low points in a candid manner, with her 2019 memoir My Thoughts Exactly telling the shocking tales of her rock bottom while her album No Shame goes into stark details about her marital woes and addiction.
The star was in a relationship with Sam Cooper from 2009 and in October the following year, their son William was stillborn at six months.
Sam and Lily wed in 2011 before their 2018 split, and they share two daughters Ethel, now nine, and Marnie, now eight. She revealed that she headed on the Bargerz tour as money was beginning to run out for the family – yet she did not feel ready.
The tour visited the Americas, Europe, and Oceania through five legs. It spanned from February 14 to October 23, 2014, and Lily has previously revealed she would use female escorts and take drugs in excess during the tour.
On tour: After her weight rose to 14st, the 5′ 2″ star began taking a drug similar to speed to shed pounds before the tour, however this send her on a downward spiral and left her debating taking heroin to help her ‘act out’
Speaking about the lead-up to heading off with Miley, she said: ‘ I got married when I was 24 and I had a baby, I had a baby who died 10 years ago this month…
‘And then I went on to have two successful pregnancies and then about six months after my youngest was born we ran out of money and I had to go back out on the road again. But I was 14 stone and did not feel like a pop star at all.’
She then turned to drugs to lose weight, saying: ‘I started taking a drug which is like speed to lose the weight and I got addicted to this drug because it made me feel invincible. And then I ended up on tour in America supporting Miley Cyrus…
‘It was when she was doing Wrecking Ball – it was a highly sexualised tour. I had just spent the last three years pushing babies out. It couldn’t have been less what I felt like. I had never supported anyone…
Pained: Lily, pictured in New York in July 2014 at the height of her addiction, spoke to DJ Fat Tony on his The Recovery podcast about her own sobriety journey, including her personal lowest point, as she touched on the tour and how she felt – turning to drink and drugs
‘I was re-entering this phase of being a pop star again but not doing it on my terms any more. I was supporting this girl who was much younger and more attractive than I felt. I just started acting out in all manner of ways.’
She sang about feeling resentment for Sam in her song Apples, with the lyrics: ‘I felt like I was only good for writing the cheques’, while touching on her guilt about leaving her children in her heartbreaking song Three, also from No Shame.
Singing from her daughters’ points of view, she sang: ‘I’ve been out making lots of friends, You can’t play with us, ’cause you’re always off on tour. One day I hope you meet them. Please don’t go. Stay here with me.’
Her love: The star was in a relationship with Sam Cooper from 2009 and in October the following year, their son William was stillborn at six months (puctured in 2014)
It was then that Lily began cheating on Sam, affairs she alludes to in No Shame track My One, as she went on: ‘I started cheating on my husband and I had always drunk alcohol to take the edge off of the drugs…
‘Then I realised I was getting up in the morning and downing those mini bottles of vodka or whisky or whatever was left. Without the drugs anymore…
‘I was thinking: ‘I think i have got a drinking problem. And none of this acting out is working any more. Maybe I should try heroin.’
She then revealed that her consideration of heroin is what made her think it was time to seek help for her ever-growing demons.
Hitting the stage: Speaking about the lead-up to heading off with Miley, she said: ‘ I got married when I was 24 and I had a baby, i had a baby who died 10 years ago this month’ (Miley pictured on the tour in 2014)
Lily said: ‘Because I had been in a scene where I had seen what happens to people who use heroin when that thought popped into my head it was time to – you know – confront my demons. That was about five years ago. And I started recovery.’
She revealed she turned to a recovery programme, where she undertook the recomended 90 meetings in 90 days to help.
In any 12 step recovery programme, 90 in 90 is recommended as it is believed that it takes 90 days for something to become a habit so committing for 90 days means that you’re more likely to pull through the initial ups and downs of early recovery.
She said: ‘I started going to The Rooms. I did 90 meetings in 90 days and I got clean and at that time I wasn’t really committed to the programme as a lifelong thing. I just wanted to get to six months so at least I know I can stop this when I need to.’
Hitting the stage: Lily and Miley on stage on the Bangerz tour
It was then however that Lily relapsed: ‘At six months I started drinking again and almost instantly I lost everything. I lost my marriage, I lost my house that I had worked 10 years to buy. My career started sinking. And I lost all my friends…
‘I didn’t have any of my friendships any more. I was so resentful and so angry all the time, I really felt that the world owed me stuff and I got the raw end of the deal. And that went on for another 4 years and then I ended up back in The Rooms again’.
Speaking about getting sober, Lily revealed she does not have a sponsor but writes down her gratitudes: ‘I think it’s surrender more than anything.
‘And acceptance and gratitude. I am not great at my Step work and at the moment I haven’t got a sponsor but I do my gratitude list every day. And I try and do my gratitude list before I go to bed every night.
Working hard: Speaking about getting sober, Lily revealed she does not have a sponsor but writes down her gratitudes: ‘I think it’s surrender more than anything)
‘That really keeps me in check and going to meetings regularly. I’ve come to a place of accepting that I can’t really get involved in all of that stuff any more.’
Lily also weighed in on the impact of her substance abuse on her daughters: ‘It’s really great and I think more than anything I feel like I am in the process of breaking that cycle. I felt so guilty about neglecting my kids in those early years of their lives and having to go off on tour.
‘And misbehaving in the way I was. I really have a great relationship with my kids now. I am there to pick them up at the school gates whenever I can be and I am up dropping them off in the morning and I make them dinner.
‘They come to me when they’ve got problems. That’s golden to me. They are confident little girls and I don’t feel like… Touch wood they are not going to turn into drug addicts! Like I did. They seem like they are on a good path.’
On her relationship with husband David Harbour, she said: ‘I am in a really happy relationship. A really healthy relationship. He is sober, he has been Sober for 20 years now – we are thinking of what we are going to do with the rest of our lives…
‘I feel a sense of… I felt like I really had to prove people wrong in the past and that people had all these preconceptions of who I was whereas now I get to wake up in the morning and interact with my children and them feel loved and protected…
Oh dear: In 2018, she came under fire for glamourising drug-taking after admitting she snorted a line of ketamine at the Glamour Woman Of The Year Awards in 2008 (pictured)
‘And then i can go off and do my work. It doesn’t have to be a number one single. It’s not a failure if it isn’t a number one single. I am just lucky that I am able to be able to do this and I get sent the odd designer handbag. Life is good.’
On other people’s opinions on her life, Lily said: ‘And it hasn’t always felt like that, even although from the outside people would say you’ve got loads of money and you’re really successful what have you got to complain about..
‘I had everything to complain about because I felt so fucking miserable. Now I don’t have as much as I had then in terms of success and wealth but i have success and health in my head which is more valuable I think.