‘Knock! Knock!’
‘Who’s there?’
‘Theresa May!’
‘Theresa May who?’
‘That’s politics for you!’
On the other hand, perhaps we shouldn’t feel too sorry for the Forgotten Lady of British politics.
The newly published register of members’ interests reveals that, since stepping down as Prime Minister last year, Mrs May has made eight speeches around the world, at a rate of £115,000 per speech.
By my calculation, this takes her earnings to £1,916 a minute, or £32 a second. So by the time she has finished saying, ‘Thank you, Mr Chairman, for that very generous introduction’, she will already have clocked up £128, or £160 if she is canny enough to throw in one of her trademark coughs.
Former Prime Minister Theresa May currently charges around £115,000 to deliver a speech
My advice to her would be then to say, ‘First of all, I’d like to say how very pleased I am to be here’, which would take her earnings well past £300, even before she started.
It is a peculiarity of the modern age that perfectly sensible businessmen and ‘captains of industry’ who would immediately turn over the page when they spotted a newspaper article with the byline The Rt Hon Theresa May will nevertheless pay a fortune to sit in a lecture hall while she reads the very same piece out loud.
Why should this be? It is not as though Mrs May is a natural performer.
Or has she hired a choreographer to produce a knockabout show featuring a medley of her greatest conference hits — the awkward jiggling to Abba’s Dancing Queen, the hacking cough, the backdrop slogan with its magnetic letters crashing to the floor at dramatic intervals?
It seems not. Her agents, The Washington Speakers Bureau, confirm that she is not playing it for laughs.
‘She encourages listeners to recapture the spirit of common purpose in order to achieve progress across the world’, they say.
The only little nugget of her wisdom they offer is: ‘It’s right to persevere, even when the odds against success seem high’.
May, who still works as a Member of Parliament for Maidenhead alongside her speaking
It’s hardly Oscar Wilde. It would, I think, be more eye-catching if she argued the opposite — that when the odds against success are high, it’s a great time to throw in the towel.
How long will Mrs May be able to command her current fees? The history of other ousted politicians suggests she is right to strike while the iron is still hot, or at least luke-warm. In years to come, her prices will have to fall.
The Gordon Poole Agency, which has hundreds of after-dinner speakers on its books, provides a handy chart of the going rates for a range of former politicians. Their fees seem to depreciate at the rate of roughly 50 per cent per year out of office.
Currently, in their ‘under £10,000’ category are two people billed as ‘former Deputy Prime Minister’ —John Prescott and Michael Heseltine. Their fees are now on the same level as Andy ‘Handy Andy’ Kane, billed as ‘television’s best known DIY man’.
Former deputy prime minister John Prescott charges under £10,000 for a speech
Those who can’t afford £10,000 may prefer to drop a level and go for one of the more bargain-basement former MPs on offer. Ann Widdecombe, David Mellor and Edwina Currie are each available for ‘under £5,000’, the same as ‘gardening broadcaster’ Roddy Llewellyn, ‘snooker legend’ Steve Davis, ‘former Beirut hostage’ Terry Waite, ‘hilariously funny former prison governor’ Robbie Glenn, Christine Hamilton ‘aka The British Battleaxe’ and poor old Gerald Ratner, somewhat artfully described as ‘one of Britain’s best-known businessmen’.
Alternatively, for the price of an hour with Theresa May, you could hire all the above performers — John Prescott, Ann Widdecombe, Steve Davis, the lot — and still have around £40,000 left to spend.
Legendary F1 racing commentator Murray Walker is advertised for under £15,000
This would let you hire both Boney M and Bear Grylls, from the ‘over £20,000’ category, or ‘legendary F1 racing commentator’ Murray Walker and Nick Hewer, ‘host of Countdown and Lord Sugar’s former aide’, who are each available for ‘under £15,000’.
If you opted for the last pair, you would be left with more to spend on Eddie the Eagle, Bobby George (‘King of Darts’) and ‘legendary Irish comedian’ Jimmy Cricket, each available for ‘under £3,000’. Quite a show — and all for the price of an hour’s lecture from Theresa May on Recapturing The Spirit of Common Purpose!
Sadly, Covid-19 may have put paid to this year’s pantomime season, but Mrs May is well placed to top the bill at the Birmingham Hippodrome in 2021.
Snow White? Mother Goose? Widow Twankey? The world is her oyster.