For weeks, Australia’s loneliest stick insect has been unfairly relegated to the editors’ ‘too boring for TV’ list, alongside the likes of Crazy Connie and Jonnie-come-lazy.
But I’m happy to report that on Married At First Sight last night, for the first time in his life, Ivan was given the chance to succeed and did not c**k it up spectacularly.
‘I do live an affluent and successful lifestyle outside of the experiment,’ he proudly boasted – his first of many lies.
The little engine that could: On Married At First Sight last night, for the first time in his life, Ivan was given the chance to succeed and did not c**k it up spectacularly
We cut to Ivan and Aleks waiting outside his dingy inner-western Sydney apartment.
‘Quick, babe!’ he said. ‘Get your stuff and get in before the Daryl from next door wakes up. He’s got a 3,000-photo slideshow titled “Theme Parks of the World” and he’s not afraid to use it!’
Within minutes of entering Ivan’s shoebox apartment, Aleks was gossiping to producers about how he had talked the place up as if it was the Four Seasons.
So let’s get this straight. Aleks, a real estate agent, is shocked that Ivan, also a real estate agent, has been telling fibs about the size and quality of his apartment?
‘Place sucks. lol’: Within minutes of entering Ivan’s shoebox apartment, Aleks was gossiping to producers about how he had talked the place up as if it was the Four Seasons. He is a real estate agent after all
That’s almost like seeing a staged pap set of Hayley Vernon’s boobs falling out at Bondi and being like, ‘WHAAAT?’
So with his fake marriage on the brink of collapse, Ivan came up with a plan to win Aleks back.
‘Put this blindfold on and come outside. I’ve got a huge surprise for you,’ he said.
‘Surprise! It’s a cold meat and cheese platter from Aldi! Just one caveat: I got it reduced so we have to eat it immediately. Well, technically yesterday but whatevs.’
So with his fake marriage on the brink of collapse, Ivan came up with a plan to win Aleks back. ‘Put this blindfold on and come outside,’ he said
The show tried to play this whole exchange as if Ivan had genuinely expected Aleks to be impressed with day-old cold cuts on a bed of tasty cheese.
The producers must have been mighty confident that viewers would eat this crap up, because they pulled the same stunt in the very next scene.
‘Today, I’m introducing Aleks to my other passion in life,’ he announced the following day.
That’s cold… cuts! ‘Surprise! It’s a cold meat and cheese platter from Aldi! Just one caveat: I got it reduced so we have to eat it immediately. Well, technically yesterday but whatevs’
‘If it’s Fortnite, I’m DONE,’ Aleks thought to herself. Nope, but close.
‘Why are we pulling into the Auto Tune car park, Ivan? And why are your mates here in their Nissan Skylines?’
Yep, apparently Ivan – the proud owner of a used Volkswagen Polo – is a car nut.
Eat this! The producers must have been mighty confident that viewers would eat this crap up, because they pulled the same stunt in the very next scene
‘Boys, the wife isn’t familiar with the whole car culture scene, so let’s do a quick roleplay to show her what we’re about,’ he told the four actors playing his friends.
‘Aleks, you’ll play the attractive woman who’s walking down the street minding her own business, and the boys will play the car nuts.
‘They’ll pull up beside you, wind the windows down and yell, “Smile, sweetheart! Show us ya t**s!”‘
‘Today, I’m introducing Aleks to my other passion in life’: Yep, apparently Ivan – the proud owner of a used Volkswagen Polo – is a car nut
Believe it or not, Aleks wasn’t a huge fan of this activity either.
Having watched this one-trick pony of a show for the past six weeks, it soon became clear where this episode was heading.
Show her the ropes: ‘Boys, the wife isn’t familiar with the whole car culture scene, so let’s do a quick roleplay to show her what we’re about,’ he told the four paid actors playing his friends
Starring role: ‘Aleks, you’ll play the attractive woman minding her own business, and the boys will play the car nuts pulling up beside you and yelling, “Show us ya t**s!”‘
The Break-up
It’s not me, it’s you: Having watched this one-trick pony of a show for the past six weeks, it soon became clear where this episode was heading
Ivan was still riding high off the best weekend ever when Aleks called him into the living room.
Ivan: ‘So, are you loving doing everything I want to do as much as I am?’
Aleks: *Starts vigorously thumbing through her script* ‘Wait, am I on the wrong page? I thought this was the break-up scene?’
Ivan: ‘So, are you enjoying seeing my background and lifestyle?’
Spoiler alert: She wasn’t
Ivan: ‘No, that’s page 35. “Ivan is in the bedroom, screaming at his own reflection like a washed-up child star begging for relevance, when Aleks calls him into the living room.”‘
Aleks: ‘Right, I’ve got it now, sorry. So… next up is, “Aleks comes up with a BS excuse to soften the blow before ultimately ripping her husband’s beating heart out”?’
Ivan: ‘That’s it!’
Same page: Reading from her break-up script, Aleks came up with a BS excuse to soften the blow before ultimately dumping her useless husband
Aleks: ‘Ivan, I’ve really enjoyed this weekend. I love cold cuts and I love cars. But I’ve… left the oven on at home or something.’
Producers: (yelling) ‘Close enough! Time is money!’
Aleks: ‘…and seeing as though I’ll have to go all the way back home to check. I thought I may as well just stay there, you know, for good.’
Ivan: ‘OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!’
Director: ‘Great! That’s a wrap on Aleks and Ivan!’
And the rest
And the rest: Mishel and Steve had a date at the retirement home… whoops, I mean day spa. Steve tried to ask Mishel a question, but her ears were blocked. It was probably for the best
Break-up episodes tend to leave the rest of the cast fighting over storyline scraps. Last night was no different.
Mishel and Steve had a date at the retirement home… whoops, I mean day spa. Steve tried to ask Mishel a question, but her ears were blocked.
This was the best case scenario for Steve.
He’s stuffed! Meanwhile, KC threw out Drew’s terrifying menagerie of stuffed toys
After KC caught Drew kissing his unicorn life partner, Cornelius, she made an excuse to get him out of the house so she could get rid of all of the stuffed toys.
‘Cornelius? Daddy’s home… Cornelius… CORNELIUS? Stare silently if you can hear me, Cornelius!’
‘Hello, police… I’m an adult male calling to report a possible kidnapping. He’s about one metre tall, white but with a rainbow mane. Distinguishing features? Large prosthetic horn and big beady eyes.’
Drew: ‘Hello, police, I’m an adult male calling to report a possible kidnapping. He’s about one metre tall, white… distinguishing features? Um, large prosthetic horn and big beady eyes’