CRAIG BROWN: Working out during the lockdown? Well, I did pick up a KitKat…

YOU WANT

To keep abreast of the coronavirus news, hour by hour

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

One coronavirus bulletin an evening

YOU GET

Caught up watching the first three minutes of Channel 4 News before switching over to a repeat of Celebrity Antiques Road Trip, starring Diddy David Hamilton and a lady you don’t recognise who apparently used to be on Emmerdale.

YOU WANT

Aneurin Bevan

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

Jeremy Hunt

YOU GET

Matt Hancock

YOU WANT

To teach your husband and children to play bridge, so that you can all enjoy playing it together

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

Teaching your husband and children to play cribbage, so that you can all enjoy playing it together.

YOU GET

A round of snap before your son says ‘This is SO BORING!’ and returns to playing Robot Candy Smash on his mobile.

YOU WANT

To read Henry James

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

Reading P.D. James

YOU END UP 

Reading E.L. James

YOU WANT

To perform ten push-ups, ten jumping jacks and ten jump squats in quick succession

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

Performing five push-ups, five jumping jacks and five jump squats in slow succession.

YOU GET 

Out of your chair with a groan, walk to the kitchen, pick up a KitKat, and return to your chair, sighing ‘Oof!’ as you sit down.

YOU WANT 

To teach yourself to cartwheel

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

Teaching yourself to juggle

YOU GET 

Halfway through a YouTube video called How To Touch Your Toes before collapsing in a heap.

YOU WANT 

To channel the wartime spirit

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

Channelling a glass of spirits

YOU GET 

On your hands and knees and rustle around for the bottle of Dubonnet you’re sure you put somewhere in the back of the kitchen cupboard four or five years ago, but you can’t find it so you settle for water from the tap.

YOU WANT 

To arrange all your books in alphabetical order

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

Arranging your books in any sort of order

YOU GET  

Bored somewhere between the letters D and E and leave them all in a great heap on the floor.

YOU WANT 

A three-course meal at the best restaurant in town

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

A one-course meal at the worst restaurant in town.

YOU GET 

Crosse & Blackwell Baked Beans on toast without butter because at the last minute you discover you’ve run out of butter.

YOU WANT 

To revive the long-lost art of conversation

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

A few minutes’ chat about last night’s telly

YOU GET

Into a heated row about exactly whose turn it is to do the dishes

YOU WANT 

All your neighbours to put their heads out of their windows and join in a rousing chorus from La Traviata

YOU’D SETTLE FOR 

All your neighbours putting their heads out of their windows and joining in a doleful chorus of God Save The Queen.

YOU GET 

The fat neighbour next-door-but-one singing My Way off-key and another neighour, three down, screaming back ‘Shut it! Some of us are trying to get to sleep!’

YOU WANT 

To clear out the garage for the first time in 15 years

YOU’D SETTLE FOR

Clearing out enough space in the garage to let you peer inside the door

YOU GET

Hit on the head by a cardboard box full of old newspapers and decide to put off the whole project until the current crisis has passed.