ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

I want to stop visiting my nasty mother  

My mother is in her early 60s and furious that she doesn’t have any grandchildren. I’m 32, my brother is 35, and though we have had long-term relationships in the past, and would like to have children, we’ve both been unhappily single for more than a year – and it’s not exactly easy to meet people at the moment. Our mother is not sympathetic about this: she thinks it’s our fault and that we are too difficult, so no one wants to stay with us. This is ironic because my brother and I left home as soon as we were 18, and our father left her for another woman 14 years ago. Even though she has remarried, she still rants and raves about how unfair this was and resents our contact with him. Most of her family and friends are too scared and exhausted to talk to her about her controlling and angry behaviour. Two years ago, my brother moved hundreds of miles away because he couldn’t take any more of the nastiness she subjects us to on every visit and he wanted to at least have an excuse not to see her very often. Her opinion is always the only one that matters and she becomes furious if thwarted. She also wrongfully complains that we do nothing for her. I want to stop visiting her altogether – but she is my mother. She makes me feel so guilty and says I am supposed to love her.

There is no ‘supposed to’ with love. You cannot love someone out of duty and, quite honestly, your mother sounds very unlovable. You are in a no-win situation trying to please her, though, as whatever you do will never be enough. She is using guilt as a form of control. I think she wants grandchildren for the wrong reasons – for status to show off with her few remaining friends and as a further way of controlling you and your brother because she would probably demand to see them frequently. I don’t imagine that she would dote on them – after all, she has never doted on you. Your brother has put some distance between himself and her so the brunt of her anger and frustration will fall on you if you let it. Please, for your own sanity, try to stop feeling guilty and don’t allow her to ruin your life any further. She is embittered and feels that everyone has treated her unfairly when she has driven them away. I wonder how your stepfather puts up with her or whether he is unpleasant, too? You don’t have a duty to visit her but if you feel you must, make sure it is on your terms. Be calm, assertive and tell her that if she is angry or critical, you will leave. Counselling would help you stand up to her so contact Relate at relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk and also read Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride. 

How can I get my sisters to talk to each other again? 

After my father died my two sisters and I supported my mother. I’m the only son and we were all close but everything changed after my elder sister remarried in secret after an acrimonious divorce. My younger sister and mother found out via Facebook and felt very upset and betrayed. Consequently, my sisters stopped talking. Even when one had a cancer scare, they still wouldn’t speak. My mother is 94 and doesn’t want to go to her grave with them behaving like this. I’d like to make it clear that they need to put their differences aside but this could mean risking their trust in me as the middleman. How should I proceed?

A It won’t be easy but this is a risk you are going to have to take. I can understand that it must have been hurtful for your mother and younger sister not to have been told about the wedding, but a lot of this is down to a lack of communication. Perhaps your elder sister felt guilty about ending her first marriage or thought that your mother or sister might not like her second husband? Whatever the reason, your sisters have become entrenched in their positions. You sound intelligent and kind so pluck up your courage to use those skills to gently persuade them both to see it from the other’s side. Explain that you love them and that it is really upsetting your mother to know they are fighting. But also explain that you know they still love each other and that it is hurting both of them to stay so angry.

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