ASK CAROLINE: Our relationships expert Caroline West-Meads answers your questions

Grief has left me unable to see a future   

I am 53 and lost my husband, who was 60, unexpectedly in May this year. We were together for 17 years and married for almost six. He was a functioning alcoholic and I hadn’t realised how unwell he was during the last few weeks of his life, as he hid it so well. He was the kindest and most loving person, not just to me but to everyone. We were soulmates – the only time we were apart was while we were at work. I also lost my younger sister to cancer in August and more recently my elder sister, who was discharged from hospital then died within 12 hours. Despite having loving family and friends, I am crying and distraught most of the time and can’t see a future. I’ve been in touch with Cruse Bereavement Care but I’m still waiting for counselling – they contacted me in early August to say they had a backlog, which I understand. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am, yet in reality I’m anything but. I struggle with everything I do. I also believe it would have been better for me to have died and not my sisters as they have children and grandchildren so their loss is greater. I have thought about ending it all but fear for the guilt of my nephew and nieces. I am currently off sick from work (they have been very supportive), but I am not the person I was six months ago and wonder if I will ever be able to be productive and valued again.

These are devastating losses and you need a great deal of support. Firstly, I want to reassure readers that, as soon as I received your letter, I spoke to you to urge you to contact the Samaritans and to see your GP for antidepressants. This grief is too heavy to bear with counselling alone. I know that medication will only mask the pain, but you need that support until the intense grief has become manageable. Everyone is telling you how strong you are, but you shouldn’t have to be. This is a time when you are allowed to break down, to be looked after, to lean on others. Not having children does not make you any less valuable than your sisters, and your nephew and nieces need you more than ever. You are living alone and this needs to change. It has been almost unbearably hard for many people living alone in this pandemic, but to be on your own while grieving is too much. Part of being human is to need touch – you need hugs and comforting. It’s also important that you have someone to talk to and cry with – and to chill out and watch TV, go for walks with or to take whatever distraction you can. Ask your loved ones if you could move in with any of them while you grieve. Alternatively, contact Unity Living (see their ‘Helpful Housemates’ section at unityliving.uk) where you can offer a home to someone who can also help you. Also try Sue Ryder (sueryder.org) for bereavement counselling. 

 Why is it so hard for me to make friends?  

I am a woman of a certain age and though I have acquaintances I have no real friends. It has always been this way and it never used to bother me (I always did the entertaining and arranging social events but never got many invitations back). I’m a nice, outgoing person and am naturally sociable. I’ve even tried not being too friendly in case this puts people off. The older I get the more lonely I am, even though I’m married. As I write this it seems pathetic. What on earth is the secret?

I am sorry that you feel so lonely. You say that it has been this way for ever. Did you find it difficult to make friends as a child? If this is the case, maybe you still feel that no one is going to like you so you avoid letting people get to know you because you fear rejection. You may have thrown energy into being sociable but not letting people see the real you. We tend to be drawn to warmth and kindness in others but also those who are true to themselves. Close friendships are based on knowing each other’s vulnerabilities as well as being able to laugh with them. When you ask people about themselves, really listen to their replies. And when talking about yourself, don’t pretend to be perfect and don’t give advice unless asked. Your confidence needs boosting, so try counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk), which would also help with your marriage. It is hard to make friends at the moment, but you could join the Red Hat Society (a friendship group for women over 50, redhatsociety.com). Or become a befriender at the Red Cross and help others combat loneliness, too.

• If you have a problem, email Caroline at [email protected]. Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally